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Sunday, January 22, 2006

 

UCS: U.S. Army Smashes Records as Young Republicans Rush to Enlist

by Kamal El-Din (spoof) -- Unconfirmed Sources (Satire Newsletter)

Unconfirmed sources report that the U.S. Army has set a new recruiting record in the wake of President Bush's address to the nation last Tuesday. Young Republicans are flocking to Army recruiting centers to join up and volunteer to serve in Iraq. The flood of new recruits has caught the Army off guard and long lines are forming across the nation. If this flood of recruits keeps up the Army estimates it will actually have to close many recruiting centers.


"President Bush has preformed a miracle." Says Michael D. Rochelle, head of recruiting command for the US Army. "We've got young men and women lining up outside recruiting centers waiting for their turn to enlist. I've never seen anything like it. In the two days since the President spoke we have made up for all of last year's low recruitment and met our goals for the rest of the current year. If this keeps up we will have to shut down our recruitments centers, we won't be able to train that many more new recruits."

A sampling of the flood of new recruits finds that 95% of them are registered Republicans, many admitting that have been swept up by the President's stirring words of the other night.

"After hearing the President speak my heart told me to join up immediately." Says Kevin Whycliff, a senior at George Town University, who had been studying economics before he quit to enlist. "America needs me to fight, and who better to bear the burden of this fight than a guy like me. My family is rich, I've grown up with more privilege and opportunity than most and it's time for me to pay for it. I'm not going to run away from a fight like some draft dodging rich kid with family connections. No sir, eventhough there is no draft it is the responsibility of privileged Americans to fight this fight."

Young Mr. Whycliff is typical of the new batch of recruits. The sons and daughters of rich, white, well educated and politically connected Americans are joining the army to pay their due. Dozens of sons of congressmen and other elected officials are joining up. Some, no doubt, prompted not by the stirring words of their president, but by the urging of their patriotic parents who are too old to serve. The Presidents own daughters were even seen in line at a Washington D.C. recruiting office.

Right wing media figures are also putting out the call for young Republicans to claim their birthrights, as there fathers did, by joining the fight in Iraq. Rush Limbaugh has been encouraging his young Republican listeners to heed the call to join up for months and is only now getting support from the rest of the Republican media leadership.

"It's about damn time these spoiled brats get out there and do some good." Raged Limbaugh recently. "These kids don't know how good they've got it. They have never had to work for anything in their lives… Its time kiddies. Its' time to go to war…Dear listeners do you have sons and daughters who are of military age? Get them to the recruiting center! We need these good kids fighting for our freedom in Iraq!"

Historians are likening this rush of recruits to that of World War Two, when the best and brightest of Americans fought the greatest war of our times. Young Republicans are heeding the call to defend America to say thanks for the privileges that their parents have won for them and to secure those privileges for their own children.

Bravo! Young Republicans. Bravo!
Source: Unconfirmed Sources (spoof newsletter).


John Pettit, right, comments:
Ah, satire! How sharp is your bite.

Take a short trip into the near future,

after Dear Leader, in his State Of The
Union Address, has issued a call to
young (Little 'y', not the YR organization)
RepubliCONS to do their patriotic duty
and enlist to fight the Glorious Crusade
on Islam.

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